so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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