shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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