I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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