She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
