she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize