Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
