You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
