farters have to be the big spoon...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We left an ass print on the piano.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
