well you can't waste a boner
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Use "feeling words"
Yay
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
