Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
