I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
