Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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