dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have already put on my inside pants.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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