my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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