Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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