my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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