To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
