I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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