I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
