she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize