i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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