i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
