i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She even gives head with a lisp.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
