I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
