Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
