Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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