We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
