the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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