This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
