i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
