So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize