everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
