The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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