I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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