I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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