Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize