Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am naked and annoyed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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