I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
