i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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