wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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