had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
