i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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