You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
