how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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