i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
