Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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