I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
