I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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