She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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