just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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