can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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