Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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