I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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