Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
