It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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