Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
