You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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