I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
