the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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