also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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