shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Randomize
