why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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