I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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