i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
