A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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