I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
