My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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