In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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